Two Gallants

excercises in tandem narcissism

On Small Meat

  • Alex: i decided today that rather than a candy jar i’m gonna keep a crockpot of lil smokies at my desk
  • Max: what are lil smokies?
  • Alex: those little hot dogs that you see in crockpots with bbq sauce
  • Alex: you eat them with toothpicks
  • Max: you’re not gonna do that
  • Alex: no but now i’m just thinking of reasons to eat lil smokies
  • Max: “wednesday”
  • Alex: i use it as an excuse to get drunk why can’t i use it as an excuse to eat small hot dogs


  • Max: i'm an idiot
  • Alex: you clicked on something you shouldn't have
  • Max: and out of self-penance, i've deactivated my facebook account
  • Alex: "i cut my finger, in penance I've severed my arm at the shoulder"
  • Max: gotta stop the gangrene
  • Alex: well, deactivating your facebook is the new not owning a tv after all
  • Max: which category i'm also kind of a part of
  • Max: my tv is deactivated except for dvd purposes
  • Alex: yeah that's a tough call because i know plenty of people who watch a ton of tv just not on their tv
  • Max: that's tv
  • Max: i don't watch tv
  • Max: ...except on dvd
  • Alex: exactly
  • Max: i hate my ethos

Width of Knowledge

  • Max: oh
  • Max: i do know what a url is!
  • Max: i hate me
  • Alex: you are becoming fore well rounded think of it that way
  • Max: fore well rounded?
  • Alex: *more
  • Alex: fat fingers cause i'm well rounded as hell

Hilarious Swans

  • Max: my dad doesn't think black swan was intentionally funny
  • Alex: how?
  • Max: i don't know man
  • Max: no one sees it how we do
  • Alex: we are not wrong
  • Max: nah, that could never be

On the worthiness of words

  • Alex: ok i gotta do one more job app them i'm gettin on it
  • Max: wordsworth
  • Max: that's what i'm saying now instead of 'word'
  • Alex: please don't

I got nothing

  • Alex: i told myself i was gonna get crackin but then i stayed sitting down and watching eddie money music videos
  • Max: i just watched the first episode of weeds with my mom
  • Max: which involves a tennis racket being shoved up a man's ass during sex
  • Max: why why why why why why
  • Alex: you're dumb as hell
  • Max: ugh
  • Max: did i tell you i ended up naked in the gym showers with her husband
  • Max: why why why why why why why why
  • Alex: now it is your life that is weird
  • Max: serious fml-ing this week
  • Alex: my god, he uses an internet term
  • Max: people wonder why i'm neurotic
  • Max: at least i do
  • Max: but objectively, this week is helping to sort that out
  • Max: gah
  • Max: i need to get back to nyc
  • Max: where people are relatively calm
  • Alex: i am cool as a cucumber
  • Alex: that is on fire
  • Alex: in a microwave
  • Max: you're just drunk, probably

Petit Bourg

  • Alex: mmm havin a nice bourgie day
  • Max: me too
  • Alex: spreadsheets and this american life
  • Max: i'm interviewing for a position to teach in the stern school of business
  • Alex: what has happened to us max
  • Max: the pressures of the real world
  • Alex: i wanna go get rowdy just thinking about it


  • Alex: might get to go to vancouver next couple weeks
  • Max: vancouver, huh? i've always wanted to go
  • Max: time to see the whales?
  • Alex: beats me fuck whales
  • Max: that's what my mom always said
  • Alex: i thought your stepdad was skinny
  • Max: oh wow

Rap Salad

  • Max: for the rap song, "girl, you wanna toss my salad?"
  • Max: "they call me the salad man, because i toss the greens"
  • Alex: that pretty much rules not gonna lie
  • Max: thanks
  • Max: i hope to use it
  • Max: perhaps over a bavarian beat

Too many pizzas

  • Max: did you order that pizza?
  • Alex: no i never did.
  • Alex: wait which pizza?
  • Alex: on saturday?
  • Alex: yes i did.
  • Alex: i got high and ate it and watched kung fu hustle and fell asleep on the couch it ruled